Category: Relationships

5 Qualities Christian Men Look for in a Girlfriend (From a Guy’s Perspective!)

What do guys really want?

This is a question I asked myself for many years. Oftentimes, I ended up looking in the wrong places, leading me to draw the wrong conclusions. Been there before?

Being a girl in this day and age is hard, let alone trying to be a girl following Jesus. Anyone else feel the struggle? As young women, we are constantly being targeted and lied to about our worth, which heavily impacts how we perceive relationships. One of the biggest culprits, you ask?  

It’s way too easy to muddle what culture tells us guys want with what men who are pursuing the Lord actually want.

Culture today tells us that the quality of our relationships is tied to our sex appeal. Being superficial is okay. Dumbing ourselves down is “cute”. Having ambition isn’t necessary. And the depth of our conversations is unimportant.

What culture tells us that guys’ want will ultimately lead us to destruction, heartbreak, and shame.
But God doesn’t want that for you.
He has so, so much more in store for you.
And that “so much more” is a man who is chasing after Jesus, and who wants to chase after you, too.

So… what do those guys… the ones chasing after Jesus today, look for in a woman worth pursuing?

On our flight home from my friend’s wedding, I asked my boyfriend Michael to narrow down the TOP 5 things that Christian guys are looking for in a girl. Here’s what he had to say… with my personal tips on ways to apply this information in order to become a woman worth pursuing!

1.) Loves the Lord

“I can only be fully understood by somebody who shares my beliefs and convictions. Without this, it would be difficult to remain on the same page as you navigate through a relationship.” -M
This may be the most obvious, but is also the most important. If you want to be with a guy who loves the Lord, you should be pursuing the Lord and making Him the #1 priority in your life.
TIP: Instead of spending your time pursuing a guy, spend your time pursuing the Lord. Your relationship with Jesus is, and always will be, the most important relationship you maintain throughout your whole life. Authenticity in your faith will lead to authenticity in your other relationships.

2.) Trustworthy

“A guy has to find someone who he knows has the right intentions, and knows won’t compromise a relationship when the guy has put his heart out there.” -M
Healthy, lasting relationships are built on trust. Because of this, men who are looking for a serious relationship are also looking for someone who is equally as committed as they are.
TIP: Before getting into a relationship, ask yourself this question: How committed are you to the relationships in your life right now? When you make plans with people, do you keep them? Are you a loyal person with lasting friendships? Are you able to keep confidential information private, rather than sharing it with everyone? If the answer to these questions is yes, chances are, maintaining the level of trust that Christian men are looking for in a relationship should come easy to you.

3.) Fun & Adventurous

“Most guys want someone who likes to live life and be out there. Be bold, go do what you want… be yourself.” -M
A guy who is looking for a serious relationship is looking for someone he can build a life with. He is looking for an individual with strong convictions & goals to achieve!
TIP: Pursue your passions. Chase your dreams. Create a life that you love. A guy worth having will see that and say “Wow, she’s passionate & driven. I want to be a part of that.”
DO NOT wait to find a guy to start your life.

4.) Likable by Others

“A guy doesn’t want to bring a girl around who gives a bad impression to his friends… he wants to bring a girl that he is proud of.” -M
Basically, this one boils down to this. A guy who is looking for a serious relationship is looking for someone that he can bring into his life… not isolate him from it. However, being likable doesn’t mean altering your personality or behavior to get people to like you. It just means being yourself and genuinely caring about the lives of others! Radiate the love of Christ.
TIP(S): Instead of trying of trying to make yourself more important in his world by being clingy and isolating him into spending time with you, enter into his life and allow him into yours, and you will naturally become more important to Him.

5.) Accepts Me For Who I Am

I think Michael said this one best, so I’ll just quote him 😉
“As guys, we have been conditioned to have it all together, to be the leader, and to not let a girl down. Those are the pressures we have to live with. We are supposed to have it all together before even considering asking a girl out. This is unrealistic. We don’t have it all together, and it produces anxiety when we fall short in our relationships.
Plus, when you grow together, instead of entering into a relationship with a guy who already has it together, you get to experience the joy & accomplishment of growth and learning, instead of just being with the ‘final product’. The former is much deeper and much more meaningful. That’s why it is essential that the woman we fall in love with is someone who loves us for who we are, and not our merits or accomplishments.” -M
TIP: Just learn to love people for who they are… not what they do, where they are going in life, or who they could be. Also, be an encourager in the lives of others!

 

Okay, so… let’s be honest here.

The reason you clicked on this post is because you were curious about what Christian guys want in a relationship, and you wanted an answer about what you need to do in order to win one over.

So here’s the answer you are looking for: just be yourself. Remember all those tips you just read? Focus on those things right there.

Pursue the Lord and create an authentic relationship with Him.

Commit to and make time for the people in your life right now.

Create a life you love by pursuing your dreams & passions.

Love people for who they are, not who they could be.

Then, when the right guy comes along, he is going to walk into the life of a beautiful woman who radiates the love of the Lord. She loves people authentically and selflessly, and she chases the dreams & passions that God has placed on her heart. And he’s going to say:

“Wow. This is the woman who is worth pursuing for the rest of my life.”

That, my friend, is God’s “so much more” for you.

<3, Britt

Why Codependency is Destroying Your Relationship (& The Healthy Solution!)

I remember when I got my first cell phone. At age thirteen, it was everything I ever wanted… it had a sliding keypad, built-in camera, a bedazzled phone case, and was brand new. After I received it, I wouldn’t let it out of my sight. I would even lay it on the bathroom counter when I showered so I could check my messages the second I got out. I would say I was possessive, obsessive, and borderline dependent on my cell phone.

I think sometimes when we get something that is exactly what we want, it is hard to not become possessive and obsessive over it, even to the point of dependency.

& I think the place where I see this most frequently is in relationships.

My boyfriend and I have had multiple discussions about dependence: being independent, being codependent, having a healthy dependence, and everything in-between.

Dependency in relationships, especially dating relationships, is a tricky topic. There should be some level of dependency in a relationship… after all, the purpose of dating is to determine if you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, which involves meshing various aspects of your life together. But how much is too much?

I think a safe place to draw the line is codependence.

Codependence, in essence, is present in a relationship in which there is a psychological reliance of one person on another. This is manifested in a way that makes it so that the codependent person does not allow the other person to have a life outside of the relationship.

Need to be with your boyfriend 24/7? Codependence.

Does your boyfriend feel the need to constantly check up on you when you’re not together? Codependence.

Are you not allowed to hang out with your friends unless your BF says you can (or vice-versa)? Codependence.

I think the problem people have with codependence is this: they have difficulty recognizing it. Just like the new cell phone I got when I was thirteen, we often become enamored by our significant other in a relationship, because ideally, they are exactly what we want. We think that needing to be together is sweet, after all, who doesn’t want to feel needed? However, what we don’t realize is that this enamor can soon lead to possessive and obsessive feelings, which can lead to dependency.

Once codependency is rooted in a relationship, it can cause individuals to lose their sense of self, and create a severe sense of mistrust within the relationship, ultimately leading to destruction.

So if codependence kills relationships, and complete independence is impossible due to the nature of relationships, what is the solution?

Healthy dependence– & here are 4 ways to identify and develop healthy dependence in a relationship!

  1. Wanting to be together (& not needing to be).

    Should you want to be with the person you’re in a relationship with? YES! Should you need to be? No. There’s a difference. Wanting to be together is looking forward to when you get to see each other, spend time together, and tell each other about your day, versus needing to be together, which is a consuming mindset.

  2. Letting the other person have friends.

    This might seem obvious, but it’s important. Letting your boyfriend have their own friends and allowing them to spend time with someone other than you, and having the same freedom, is very important. You should look forward to the time you get to spend with each other, rather than feel obligated. Not allowing your BF (or not being allowed) to have friends outside the relationships is a sign of both mistrust and codependency.

  3. Maintaining your own hobbies, interest, personality, and beliefs.

    When getting into a relationship, don’t sacrifice who you are for a guy. Chances are, the reason they liked you in the first place are for all the things that make you YOU. In addition, don’t get into a relationship with the intention of changing someone. If your partner tries to change who you are, chances are, the relationship is not going to last, or will lead to codependence. 

  4. Trust.

    The foundation to every healthy relationship is trust.  Trusting a person whether you are with or without them allows for a relationship to thrive and grow… 24/7 companionship does not.

“Not needing to need, but choosing to need.”

Overall, the key to having healthy dependence versus codependence in a relationship is wanting to need versus needing to need. Wanting to need is far more powerful than needing to need, because it is dependent on a choice rather than an impulse. 

If you want to need someone, you make a choice every single day to love them and make them a priority in your life. You know they will be there for you, and you will be there for them, but you don’t have to rely on them for fulfillment. Jesus is the only one who can satisfy that need.

If you are living in a codependent relationship today, be brave,  make the choice to have a choice.

4 Ways to Grow During Your “Season of Singleness” as a Christian Woman

When I was in high school, I used to be bitter with God every time he made me wait for something, especially in the realm of boys. I am 19 years old, and I have never had a boyfriend or been in a relationship. At times, society makes me feel like an anomaly for being single, that where I am in life is wrong, that I am “behind”, or something about me is messed up.

One of the most valuable lessons I have learned throughout my first year of college through a lot of prayer and seeking after Christ is the beauty of singleness. Being single was something I once resented, but is now something I understand is being used to shape me into a young woman of courage and conviction.

Every girl in the world is constantly being fed the lie that her worth lies in her outer beauty or sex appeal, and that without a boy, she is worthless. I have seen girls of all ages fall prey to this lie time and time again, and it breaks my heart, because I, too, know what it’s like to feel empty, and to seek worth in other people.

Looking back, I realize why God didn’t let me date the boys I wanted to- He was protecting me. Quite honestly, looking back on it… I was looking for all the wrong things in boys, and was becoming the wrong person trying to win them over. After coming to a really raw realization the guy I had the intention of dating my freshman year of college was not the one for me, and a lot of the guys I had met were steering me in the opposite direction of where I wanted to be going, I realized I needed to make some changes.

There’s something really humbling about God not giving you the things you want. It puts you in a place of childlike trust, and reminds you that He is God, and you are definitely not. Even though I wanted a boyfriend my first year of college, I realized God was clearly steering me in a direction of bring single. Being single these past four months, not the way I have been my whole life by looking for a boyfriend, but truly single, have been some of the most incredible times of growth I have experienced in my life.

I have learned a lot about myself this past semester and have made leaps and bounds in my faith because I have stopped seeking worth in worldly things and have placed my worth and aligned my pursuits with the Biblical truths I know to be true. Here are some of the verses that have encouraged me, and that have given me a new standard of what it looks like to be a godly, faithful woman, whether I am single or not.

Luke 1:42: “Blessed is she who believed the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!”

Proverbs 31: 25-26, 30: “She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.”

Psalm 139:13: “For you created my innermost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb”

1 Timothy 4:12: “Don’t let anyone look down on your because you are young, but be an example to the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity

Galatians 5:22-23: “But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control; against such things there is no law”

1 John 4:12: “If we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.”

In the eyes of Jesus, we are Forgiven & we are Loved.

This season of life has allowed me to begin growing into the person I have always wanted to be. I am less jealous of others, I am able to love others with my full heart, and am no longer afraid to let people in or mistrust their intentions. I don’t live my life with this nagging feeling that people dislike me, and if they do, it won’t be because I gave them the cold shoulder. Recent circumstances in my life have showed me how important it is to love your loved ones well, but I have found that it can be hard to do unless you yourself are in love with Jesus and are seeking him above all else. When you love Jesus and spend time letting him soften your heart, it is so, SO much easier to love others, despite who they are.

I would have never realized these truths if I was in an unhealthy relationship or still hanging on to the hope of one. I realized a lot of what hindered me from growing was trying to change myself for a boy. Now, instead of trying to change who I am, I have tried to grow into the person I was created to be. Here are the things that have helped me grow, and maybe they can help you, too!

Ways to Grow as a Single Woman

1.) I have focused on surrounding myself with positive, uplifting friends who build me up, make me feel important, and who challenge me to be better, rather than focusing on friendships that are unhealthy and dwell on unnecessary drama and boys.

2.) I have channeled my energy into serving and loving others instead of feeling sorry for myself for being single.

3.) I have focused on cultivating inner beauty– becoming a woman of faith, virtue, and wisdom, rather than outer beauty- a woman a vanity, insecurity, and materialism.

4.) I have set a standard for the guys I will date (write it out!), and have close sister-friends to keep me accountable.

I am still in the process of growing, which I know will take a lifetime. However, during this process, God is beginning to help me understand what to look for in a man to date someday- but not to settle, and to wait for his timing. Now, I know there is nothing wrong with me for being single at 19… it’s just that God is still working in my heart, and the heart of the guy I will be with one day. We aren’t ready for each other right now, and that’s okay. When we are ready to walk alongside each other, encouraging and challenging each other in faith and in life, it will be the coolest adventure ever. But until then, I am still young, and I am going to chase the dreams and passions God has placed on my heart while becoming the woman He has made me to be.

Relationships take up A LOT of our time, whether they be romantic or not… surround yourself with good ones. Do not dwell on the bad ones. Love others relentlessly, but use good discretion when allowing others in your heart for a permanent stay. And above all, trust God’s timing.

The waiting phase can be viewed as a burden or a blessing… what you choose to do with that time is entirely up to you. Use it wisely.

<3, Britt